In the illustrious words of George Michael, one has "gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith." But mine is in short supply these days. In 2003, a Harris Poll of over 2,000 Americans found that 90% believe in God. I've tried since I was a child to understand this concept of "God," an all-knowing, all-powerful being, always watching us, guiding us to right and wrong. Something along those lines, right? But what makes one person believe and another not? How can one person have horrible things happen to them and believe more in a God because of it, and another have the same things happen and believe less?
Faith.
I never knew how to have it growing up. Never understood it. Couldn't comprehend the idea of putting my life in the hands of an entity that I didn't feel had ever touched my life. Not out of some spite for the horrible things I went through, but simply because I never felt it - it being whatever people who do believe have felt. My mom did take me to church for a time, and I did try to feign belief there and in front of friends. But it just wasn't there. To me, saying I believed in God was about equal to saying I believed in Santa Claus.
Since late last year, I've been trying to figure out why things happen the way they happen. Feeling that it's just meant to be has helped a little. But lately I'm grasping at straws for anything that will give me comfort right now in my own skin. Something is missing. There has to be some ultimate reason why life just sucks some days. It sucks some days to make us cherish the good days just that much more. Well, that's nice to think when it's little things.
I experienced over 5 years of abuse that no little girl ever should growing up, before I could even understand what exactly was being done and why it was so horribly wrong. I didn't even comprehend in the years following how drastically it would affect my life. Add on a mountain of other shit through the years, and I still felt like I was coming out on top. I'd found my place in the world, a wonderful, supportive, loving parter, and was reaching my goals. In spite of all that had happened, I was surviving.
Then a pinched nerve turns into a terminal illness.
Seriously? Why? [Enter the anger stage] After a while enough is enough. If I had a staunch hatred of religion or disbelief in God, I would say this is fair enough proof that God doesn't exist. If he did, these things wouldn't happen to people. He would say, at some point, enough is enough. This woman has been through the ringer, let's give her a break. On the flip side, if I was a believer, I could say it is all happening for some greater purpose. That somewhere, through all of this, I will come out on top. If I am good, good things will ultimately happen. It's God's will and I will be protected. I will only be given what I can handle. I could pray and feel better knowing that I'll never be alone in this journey.
At this point, I'd gladly take either of those options. They say to just look into your heart and you'll know what you believe. I believe in sheer avoidance. So how has that worked for you, Michelle? Great. Absolutely great. See the sarcasm? Something is missing. I have all that I need right now, and yet something is missing inside. Something to make it all come together, something to make it possible to find a purpose. Something to say that there is a reason for everything that has happened and will happen. Maybe then I could take whatever the next blow will be, and find a way to accept all the previous ones.
I try to believe that this is happening for a reason, that everything has. It's so impossible some days. But it's also impossible not to believe it. I don't know what to think, to believe. And the sad fact is, even if I knew, I can't just make it be.
God is still Santa Claus, and I'm the girl who stopped believing when I was 7.
Faith.
I never knew how to have it growing up. Never understood it. Couldn't comprehend the idea of putting my life in the hands of an entity that I didn't feel had ever touched my life. Not out of some spite for the horrible things I went through, but simply because I never felt it - it being whatever people who do believe have felt. My mom did take me to church for a time, and I did try to feign belief there and in front of friends. But it just wasn't there. To me, saying I believed in God was about equal to saying I believed in Santa Claus.
Since late last year, I've been trying to figure out why things happen the way they happen. Feeling that it's just meant to be has helped a little. But lately I'm grasping at straws for anything that will give me comfort right now in my own skin. Something is missing. There has to be some ultimate reason why life just sucks some days. It sucks some days to make us cherish the good days just that much more. Well, that's nice to think when it's little things.
I experienced over 5 years of abuse that no little girl ever should growing up, before I could even understand what exactly was being done and why it was so horribly wrong. I didn't even comprehend in the years following how drastically it would affect my life. Add on a mountain of other shit through the years, and I still felt like I was coming out on top. I'd found my place in the world, a wonderful, supportive, loving parter, and was reaching my goals. In spite of all that had happened, I was surviving.
Then a pinched nerve turns into a terminal illness.
Seriously? Why? [Enter the anger stage] After a while enough is enough. If I had a staunch hatred of religion or disbelief in God, I would say this is fair enough proof that God doesn't exist. If he did, these things wouldn't happen to people. He would say, at some point, enough is enough. This woman has been through the ringer, let's give her a break. On the flip side, if I was a believer, I could say it is all happening for some greater purpose. That somewhere, through all of this, I will come out on top. If I am good, good things will ultimately happen. It's God's will and I will be protected. I will only be given what I can handle. I could pray and feel better knowing that I'll never be alone in this journey.
At this point, I'd gladly take either of those options. They say to just look into your heart and you'll know what you believe. I believe in sheer avoidance. So how has that worked for you, Michelle? Great. Absolutely great. See the sarcasm? Something is missing. I have all that I need right now, and yet something is missing inside. Something to make it all come together, something to make it possible to find a purpose. Something to say that there is a reason for everything that has happened and will happen. Maybe then I could take whatever the next blow will be, and find a way to accept all the previous ones.
I try to believe that this is happening for a reason, that everything has. It's so impossible some days. But it's also impossible not to believe it. I don't know what to think, to believe. And the sad fact is, even if I knew, I can't just make it be.
God is still Santa Claus, and I'm the girl who stopped believing when I was 7.
0 comments:
Post a Comment