We are now 6 days into the new year. It's funny. There are many instances that I've experienced throughout my life that I know, at the time, I said I'd never forget. Well, I don't remember what they were right this minute, but I'm sure they happened.
What I can say for certain is that 2008 is a year I will never forget. There were good memories and bad memories. There were even some in between memories. For a few moments in writing this blog, I tried to list these events, and to no avail. There are simply far too many.
I fell in love with my soulmate in 2008, although truth be told, I was probably in love with her before. It made the early days of the year a very confusing and stressful time. There I was - straight, married, stable - stagnant. There she was - addict, unemployed, not very stable. The crazy thing about love I guess is that you don't see the things that other people are telling you to watch out for. It's blinding, and, I think, for good reason sometimes. Without being blind to all the reasons why maybe a relationship isn't a good idea at a particular time, one may never ultimately see how wonderful it could end up. The nights spent worried over whether she'd actually still be there when I got home in the morning faded with time (and meetings) to where my only worry now is if she was able to get a good night's sleep while I'm gone. The time spent re-emphasizing a sponsor's words that working on recovery was time well spent and working for money would come eventually culminated in steady income and a beautiful house. I guess you could say we both dove in head first and never looked back. 1 year later, we're married, planning a formal ceremony, and I should try finding a good pregnancy bathing suit.
I learned a lot about myself this year. I'm more stubborn than I knew I could be. More selfish at times. And more often than not, less willing to make apologies for it. I spent a while not being true to myself, my wants, my needs, my desires out of life. It was so easy to say that I did it because I was in a relationship and that means compromising. But how much was too much? I've spent the last year rediscovering myself, and in such little ways, too. I don't limit my musical interest. Who really cares if I leave the house without make-up on? No one really notices that roll on my tummy as much as I do, and if they do, they certainly don't care as much as I do. There's nothing wrong with choosing to wear slacks instead of a skirt. I wash my face meticulously these days and don't really give a shit that I've lost my retainers. I can sleep until 2pm without feeling guilty - even if I didn't work the night before. I'd rather save money in the short term to enjoy my time now than save over the long term for a day and time that may never come. I'm not as worried about having people like me. I don't drink anymore and I think it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was almost bad. Scratch that. It was bad. It was almost worse. To say I quit just in time is probably an understatement.
The worst part of 2008 comes in 3 little letters. A. L. S. I could have gone with just being a hypochondriac. It really sucks that the moment I feel like maybe I've accepted this and am ok with it is the second I realize I'm still as scared as I was the day I was diagnosed. Every little bit of good news still comes with a footnote that reads, "we still can't tell you anything for sure." I know that no one's life is certain. I know that one day I could walk out of the house and be struck by a car. I know that things could happen. This is different. This is knowing that it will happen, but having no idea when or how. I still try not to get frustrated with Georgi when she wants to look at or talk about handicapped vans, or stair lifts, or speech machines. The truth is it's not even her I'm frustrated with. I'm frustrated with that future. I don't want that. I don't want to know that that's what may be coming, whether it comes tomorrow or 10 years or 20 years from now. I used to think maybe this was better than waking up paralyzed one day - at least we can plan this, right? That should make it easier, right? Wrong. So wrong. I am definitely still very emotional about this, no matter how much I try to go through the day saying I'm learning to accept it. I still want to punch co-workers for wondering what's wrong and why I'm not acting like my chipper self. Seriously? You know what's going on with me. Everyone does. What part of you thinks I'm not entitled to more than a few days when I don't feel particularly chipper? Where maybe I'm just in a bad fucking mood? Because while they can all have hopes and dreams still of living into their 80s or 90s and all that comes with another 50 years of life ... well ... lets just says, save for a miracle, the odds are not in my fucking favor.
Pardon my outburst.
2008. Good things. Growth. ALS. Some bitterness.
At least I found my soulmate. She doesn't take it all away, but I can lay my head on her chest and fall asleep - happy.
What I can say for certain is that 2008 is a year I will never forget. There were good memories and bad memories. There were even some in between memories. For a few moments in writing this blog, I tried to list these events, and to no avail. There are simply far too many.
I fell in love with my soulmate in 2008, although truth be told, I was probably in love with her before. It made the early days of the year a very confusing and stressful time. There I was - straight, married, stable - stagnant. There she was - addict, unemployed, not very stable. The crazy thing about love I guess is that you don't see the things that other people are telling you to watch out for. It's blinding, and, I think, for good reason sometimes. Without being blind to all the reasons why maybe a relationship isn't a good idea at a particular time, one may never ultimately see how wonderful it could end up. The nights spent worried over whether she'd actually still be there when I got home in the morning faded with time (and meetings) to where my only worry now is if she was able to get a good night's sleep while I'm gone. The time spent re-emphasizing a sponsor's words that working on recovery was time well spent and working for money would come eventually culminated in steady income and a beautiful house. I guess you could say we both dove in head first and never looked back. 1 year later, we're married, planning a formal ceremony, and I should try finding a good pregnancy bathing suit.
I learned a lot about myself this year. I'm more stubborn than I knew I could be. More selfish at times. And more often than not, less willing to make apologies for it. I spent a while not being true to myself, my wants, my needs, my desires out of life. It was so easy to say that I did it because I was in a relationship and that means compromising. But how much was too much? I've spent the last year rediscovering myself, and in such little ways, too. I don't limit my musical interest. Who really cares if I leave the house without make-up on? No one really notices that roll on my tummy as much as I do, and if they do, they certainly don't care as much as I do. There's nothing wrong with choosing to wear slacks instead of a skirt. I wash my face meticulously these days and don't really give a shit that I've lost my retainers. I can sleep until 2pm without feeling guilty - even if I didn't work the night before. I'd rather save money in the short term to enjoy my time now than save over the long term for a day and time that may never come. I'm not as worried about having people like me. I don't drink anymore and I think it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was almost bad. Scratch that. It was bad. It was almost worse. To say I quit just in time is probably an understatement.
The worst part of 2008 comes in 3 little letters. A. L. S. I could have gone with just being a hypochondriac. It really sucks that the moment I feel like maybe I've accepted this and am ok with it is the second I realize I'm still as scared as I was the day I was diagnosed. Every little bit of good news still comes with a footnote that reads, "we still can't tell you anything for sure." I know that no one's life is certain. I know that one day I could walk out of the house and be struck by a car. I know that things could happen. This is different. This is knowing that it will happen, but having no idea when or how. I still try not to get frustrated with Georgi when she wants to look at or talk about handicapped vans, or stair lifts, or speech machines. The truth is it's not even her I'm frustrated with. I'm frustrated with that future. I don't want that. I don't want to know that that's what may be coming, whether it comes tomorrow or 10 years or 20 years from now. I used to think maybe this was better than waking up paralyzed one day - at least we can plan this, right? That should make it easier, right? Wrong. So wrong. I am definitely still very emotional about this, no matter how much I try to go through the day saying I'm learning to accept it. I still want to punch co-workers for wondering what's wrong and why I'm not acting like my chipper self. Seriously? You know what's going on with me. Everyone does. What part of you thinks I'm not entitled to more than a few days when I don't feel particularly chipper? Where maybe I'm just in a bad fucking mood? Because while they can all have hopes and dreams still of living into their 80s or 90s and all that comes with another 50 years of life ... well ... lets just says, save for a miracle, the odds are not in my fucking favor.
Pardon my outburst.
2008. Good things. Growth. ALS. Some bitterness.
At least I found my soulmate. She doesn't take it all away, but I can lay my head on her chest and fall asleep - happy.
1 comments:
Wow, I am feeling alot of that at this very moment~
Stace
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